So much change in so little time!

No one ever tells you how bad divorce is. Every one I have ever talked to, never said the emotions. Maybe because I'm the only one I know who didn't want it. Who caught so hard against it. But let me tell you the brutal and honest truth. It's horrible. Heart breaking, shattering of the earth, horrible. You think one moment it's ok. And the next, it's an implosion that then turns explosion. And for me. My ex gets the rewards of hot lava. 

In good news, I got my EMT job!!!!!!!!! The day before Thanksgiving. Ive gone through my orientation and start my ride alongs next week. I'm so excited. So very very excited. 

But with that has come a lot of upset from C. Life was good. For a few days. Horribly I'm not sure if this set of upset was truly my fault or his. Or a combined. Because honestly, when the shit hit the fan no one could make it better. And I don't think anyone wanted to. It was pretty bad. It still is. My feelings and emotions are so all over the board. They go up, down, turn around, and do fun little swirls. Mainly I'm exhausted. In ways I've never been before. I feel used in ways I never knew was possible emotionally. Especially by my ex. The one person who knows me better then anyone. And it's rough. It's so very rough. Today has caused more pain then normal. C has changed so much from when we first dated, first got married, first joined the military, and first got divorced. The worst part is no one knows how  to help you through it all. It's just there. And it's scary and exhausting. One day I hope it gets better. But I honestly hope before that he leaves. May brings him leaving for 4 years. And that...that will be nice. Just to have me myself and I to rely on. It'll be nice.